Attachment Theory: What your attachment style needs to hear

Hi, I’m Noni, a real human with a real passion for healthy human connection after trauma (post-traumatic growth!) here is what your attachment style needs to hear, don’t worry if you don’t know what your attachment style is, you will work it out as you read.

Anxious attachment after a fight feel like the world is ending and they just knew it was coming. Avoidant attachment are emotionally flooded and need space to catch their breath without being called unfeeling jerks. Disorganised attachment are on an emotional rollercoaster on the best days, often living in a state of desiring connection and being terrified of it, in fights they don’t feel safe to run to others and they don’t feel safe with themselves either.

Anxious attachment: You are a relational radar, always on and looking for signs of abandonment (that may or may not be there). You learnt to relate in this way because you had to work for unconditional love, support and understanding. Your nervous system noticed inconsistency or anxiety in your caregivers, so it rationalised, “Love sure is unreliable. I must stay in high alert and check in constantly”. In adult relationships you feel hyper-vigilant, seek reassurance, look for hidden meanings in tone and body language, try to catch out any deception but end up distrusting the person you want closeness with, and your panic button is pushed when someone needs space. Your emotional alarm goes off at any hint of ‘imperfection’ or break in the connection. This limits personal growth as you remain stuck in survival, you implode rather than invite healthy conflict, you act out of fear and heartbreakingly you repeat the cycle of abandonment that you are trying to prevent.

What you need to hear:

“I am here. I am not going anywhere. We can solve this together”

“I care about you. I know this fight feels big. I see how much you care about solving it”

“Even when I need space to think, I love and respect you”

Avoidant attachment: Emotional needs? What are they. You rarely heard someone say I love you. You weren’t invited to share your feelings, you were praised for not showing feelings or having needs. You felt you were only liked when you were quiet and good. Your nervous system learnt, “Feelings are dangerous, it’s only safe to do it alone and not get too deep or too close”. You live with unmet needs that you don’t know exist or don’t have the words for. In adult relationships you’re punished for not sharing your inner world, the place you were told not to let exist. You find it infuriating and lonely and well, pretty hopeless. You cope by having a ‘do not disturb’ sign on your heart. This limits your ability to have your needs met, you struggle to understand your inner world and you feel emotionally flooded by your partner having unmet needs or demands on you that you never got to feel and have met within yourself, you are called cold and distant when being alone was the only ‘safe’ place you’ve known. You repeat the cycle of living with unmet needs and feeling upset by other people having needs as it presses on the hurt of your own being invisible.

What you need to hear:

“Thank you for coming back to this conversation. I respect you needed a moment to pause”

“You don’t owe me a perfect emotional response, I appreciate your effort and being here”

“We don’t have to fix everything right now. Let’s find our way back when you are ready”

Disorganised attachment: A tragic mash up of anxious and avoidant, learned from environments where the people who were meant to keep you safe were also the source of your deepest fears, hurts or abuse. The nervous system can only capture unpredictable data, it says “Love, safety, danger and hate are all one. Nothing is safe or predictable, connection can only be chaos”. In adult relationships this shows up as chaos, living in constant inner conflict of wanting connection while also feeling repulsion or fear. Acceptance of poor treatment as the nervous system registers it as the familiar. Feelings around intimacy that oscillate from sexually explorative to confused to rejecting or repulsed.

What you need to hear:

“I’m not scared of your feelings. I’m not going anywhere, you can have space and closeness when you need it”

“Things feel messy, we are still a team”

“I appreciate how hard this is, we can stop or keep going”

Secure attachment: How we want to raise our children and how we want to relate as adults. It is being responsive, reliable and emotionally open with boundaries and self awareness. The nervous system lives from a place of lived experiences that says “It is safe to be you, you are easy to love, you can ask for what you need and people will be there for you”. In adult relationships this shows up mental flexibility to know that connection is still safe even when things get messy or confronting. It is the confidence to invite feedback and have hard conversations respectfully, the ability to self soothe, having ever growing skills in self reflection and accountability, apologising without justification, ability to ask for support and a clear understanding of your own needs and your capacity to meet others. Secure attachment can be learned in therapy and safe relationships, even if you have had an insecure attachment style.

Insecure attachment styles are based off relational survival. As children they work to meet base needs of shelter, food, hygiene and comfort. Do we see that they are outdated and ineffective in adult relationships, yes, yes we do. They are annoyingly wired into us, and then it is our job to unwire them.

The more you know, the more you can influence your nervous system and actively choose secure responses that then form neural pathways that give you a different relationship with yourself and others.

Is it hard, yes. It is worth it, also yes.

Gen Alpha (born roughly 2013 - present)

Gen Alpha (born roughly 2013–present) The first generation to be fully immersed in digital life from birth, mostly raised by Millennials or late Gen X — emotionally aware but navigating a hyperconnected, overstimulated world.

Here are the core emotional issues many Gen Alpha will inherit or internalise from their parents:

1. Digital native identity

• Screens, AI, and online socialization from infancy.

• Result: Self-expression is immediate, but attention spans, depth, and offline coping skills are still developing.

2. Highly guided yet overstimulated

• Parents emphasize mindfulness, self-care, and boundaries.

• Result: Kids are emotionally supported but can be overprotected or anxious about small risks.

3. Awareness of global crises

• Climate, pandemics, and social justice issues loom large.

• Result: Early existential anxiety — feeling responsible for a complex world before they can fully act.

4. Instant feedback culture

• Likes, comments, and AI-driven toys teach cause-effect for social value.

• Result: Early sensitivity to validation, peer comparison, and self-worth externalization.

5. Paradox of connection

• Hyperconnected, but many still crave physical interaction and emotional intimacy.

• Result: Potential for empathy overload, loneliness, or reliance on digital coping.

6. High emotional literacy exposure

• Therapy language, diversity, and inclusion are normalized.

• Result: Can identify emotions early — but not always regulate or integrate them without modeling.

7. Safety-focused parenting

• Boundaries, consent, and well-being are emphasized more than ever.

• Result: Emotional security is high, but resilience against failure or adversity may need deliberate cultivation.

Gen Z (born roughly 1997–2012)

Gen Z (born roughly 1997–2012) — the first generation raised fully online, emotionally fluent but chronically overstimulated, and trying to heal what everyone before them avoided.

Here are the core emotional issues many Gen Z inherited or internalised from their parents:

1. Emotionally aware, but overwhelmed

They grew up in therapy language — anxiety, trauma, boundaries — but not always in therapy itself.
Constant analysis without safety.
Result: Over-identification with mental health labels, self-diagnosis culture, and fatigue from “working on themselves” 24/7.

2. Hyperconnected but lonely

The internet gave endless connection, but little intimacy.
Conversations replaced with DMs; belonging replaced with visibility.
Result: Social anxiety, disembodiment, and a chronic “everyone’s together but me” ache.

3. Parental emotional chaos

Many Gen Z parents were Millennials or late Gen X — burned out, divorced, or “gentle parenting” on fumes.
Kids absorbed their parents’ nervous systems: loving, but frazzled.
Result: Empathic overload — they feel everything, can’t turn it off.

4. Safety obsession + apocalypse anxiety

Climate change, pandemics, mass shootings, political instability — this generation never knew a stable world.
“The future” feels less like a plan, more like a threat.
Result: Control-seeking (in food, identity, activism) and a deep existential fatigue before adulthood.

5. Identity as performance

They’ve been watched since birth — literally (baby photos on Facebook, TikToks at 12).
The self became a brand.
Result: Perfectionistic self-curation and fear of being “cancelled” for just existing messily.

6. Attachment through screens

Digital communication trains fast intimacy, low commitment.
Texting “ily” but never calling.
Result: Confused attachment — craving closeness, fearing confrontation.

7. Mistrust of institutions

Schools, governments, religion — all seen as hypocritical or unsafe.
They believe in reform, not tradition.
Result: Hopeful cynics — world-weary at 17, revolutionary at heart.

8. Boundary burnout

They learned to say “no” and “protect your peace,” but not how to connect safely after.
Emotional isolation disguised as self-care.
Result: Loneliness masked as empowerment.

9. Healing as identity

Self-work is culture now — therapy talk, astrology, shadow work, manifestation.
Healing became content.
Result: Pressure to be “evolved,” not just human — exhaustion from constant self-improvement.

10. Resilience with tenderness

Despite the chaos, Gen Z has the highest emotional literacy and empathy levels yet.
They want to heal, build fair systems, and love better than they were loved.
Result: The most anxious generation — and maybe the one that finally breaks the cycle.

Gen Y / Millennial's (born roughly 1981–1996)

Gen Y / Millennials (born roughly 1981–1996) — the generation raised on “you can be anything” optimism, dial-up internet, and parents still figuring out emotional intelligence after decades of stoicism.

Here are the core emotional issues many Millennial’s inherited or internalised from their parents:

1. The “special but stressed” paradox

Parents (often Boomers or older Gen X) swung from neglect to overpraise.
Millennials were told they were gifted, exceptional, destined.
Result: Crippling fear of mediocrity, performance anxiety, and identity crises when life turned out average.

2. Emotional invalidation wrapped in positivity

Parents embraced early self-esteem culture — “think positive!” — but rarely modelled emotional regulation.
Sad? “Cheer up.” Anxious? “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”
Result: Toxic positivity wounds — adults who feel guilty for feeling bad.

3. Financial and security disillusionment

They were promised success if they studied, worked hard, and “followed their dreams.”
Then came the GFC, housing crisis, and gig economy.
Result: Betrayal trauma, chronic money anxiety, and shame about still “figuring it out.”

4. Parents as friends, not guides

Boomer parents wanted to be “cool,” avoiding conflict or authority roles.
Less structure, more confusion.
Result: Adults who crave boundaries but feel guilty enforcing them.

5. Digital comparison culture

Millennials hit adulthood just as social media began measuring worth in likes.
Comparison replaced connection.
Result: Self-esteem tied to visibility, perfectionism disguised as authenticity.

6. Overfunctioning from parental burnout

Many watched exhausted parents work themselves to the bone or divorce under strain.
Learned that success means self-sacrifice.
Result: Hustle culture addiction and burnout before 30.

7. Attachment anxiety

Parents who swung between overprotection and emotional unavailability created inconsistency.
“Helicopter” one minute, “figure it out yourself” the next.
Result: Adults who fear abandonment yet sabotage closeness.

8. Purpose pressure

Raised to “make a difference” — not just a living.
Every job, hobby, or relationship must be meaningful.
Result: Existential exhaustion and the myth that passion = stability.

9. Therapy-aware but emotionally exhausted

Millennials were the first generation to normalise therapy — but also to meme their trauma.
Awareness without integration.
Result: Emotionally literate yet still dysregulated — can name the wound but not always soothe it.

Gen X (born roughly 1965–1980)

Gen X (born roughly 1965–1980) grew up in a unique emotional climate: the tail end of post-war stoicism and the beginning of the self-help / therapy boom. Your parents were mostly Silent Generation or Boomers, and that mix created some classic emotional themes.

Here are the core emotional issues many Gen Xers inherited or internalised from their parents:

1. Emotional neglect disguised as independence

Parents often believed “kids should toughen up” or “no news is good news.”
Feelings weren’t discussed; emotional needs were rarely named.
Result: Adults who downplay their needs, overfunction, and feel guilty resting.

2. Conditional love and achievement pressure

Boomer parents who’d survived scarcity or social climbing often prized performance.
“I’m proud of you” usually followed a report card, not a moment of vulnerability.
Result: Gen Xers equated worth with doing, not being — chronic overachievers with quiet imposter syndrome.

3. The “latchkey kid” independence wound

Many came home to empty houses as both parents worked or divorced.
Learned to self-soothe early and mistrust reliance on others.
Result: Hyper-independence, intimacy struggles, “I’ll just do it myself” energy.

4. Unprocessed parental trauma

Their parents lived through war, gender inequality, or economic instability.
Emotional expression was seen as weakness or luxury.
Result: Gen Xers inherited anxiety, perfectionism, or emotional flatness without context.

5. Mixed messages about gender and roles

They watched feminism rise and traditionalism cling on.
Girls told to “have it all” and “be nice.” Boys told to be sensitive but never weak.
Result: Identity confusion, shame around vulnerability, burnout from trying to meet impossible standards.

6. Conflict avoidance & repression

Parental stoicism meant emotions were private, not relational.
Anger was scary; sadness was indulgent.
Result: Gen X often avoids confrontation until it explodes — or goes numb.

7. Distrust of authority & institutions

They watched Watergate, corporate greed, and “family values” hypocrisy.
Cynicism became a shield.
Result: Emotional detachment, ironic humour, and skepticism toward self-help that feels too “woo-woo.”

8. Loneliness in competence

Being the “reliable one” was admired.
Gen Xers were praised for being fine, even when they weren’t.
Result: Deep loneliness behind competence — a quiet craving for care they were trained to reject.

The Generation Before Us (Silent Gen: 1928–1945, Baby Boomers: 1946–1964)

These are the parents of Gen X, Millennials, and many Gen Zers. Their emotional landscape shaped the next three generations.

1. Stoicism and emotional restraint

• Grew up in post-war scarcity, depression, or rigid societal norms.

• Result: Learned that showing feelings was weak; emotional expression was dangerous or shameful.

2. Conditional love & discipline

• Praise was rare; correction was the rule.

• Result: Adults who equated love with obedience or success — a lesson passed down as “you must earn care.”

3. Duty over desire

• Life was about responsibility, conformity, and survival, not personal fulfillment.

• Result: Chronic guilt for pursuing passions, or fear of being “selfish” in later generations.

4. Conflict avoidance & suppression

• “Keep the peace” was valued over emotional honesty.

• Result: Silent simmering, indirect communication, and intergenerational tension when feelings emerged in children.

5. Rigid gender roles & identity rules

• Men: providers, stoic, never weak.

• Women: homemakers, caretakers, polite, rarely assertive.

• Result: Identity confusion in children who challenged or inherited these roles.

6. Fear of instability & control obsession

• Economic hardships and war trauma created anxiety around security.

• Result: Transmitted as hyper-protectiveness or materialism to their children.

7. Mistrust of therapy & introspection

• Mental health was taboo; problems were “handled privately.”

• Result: Children grew up with unprocessed emotional patterns — the seeds of Gen X cynicism.

Mental Flexibility: The Window of Tolerance

Trauma keeps us wired for worry, it slows down our capacity to grow, feel and experience life as it is now. The good news is we can unwind and create space within ourselves to feel the world through a lens of hope rather than mistrust.

Understanding the window of tolerance is a helpful skill in living beyond trauma. The window of tolerance is the optimal zone of arousal in which we are able to cope, function and tolerate everyday stressors, make room to process past hurt, communicate with clarity and be in a space of learning.

Trauma shrinks our window of tolerance, we spend less time in our learning flow state and longer in states of up or down (hyper-arousal or hypo-arousal).

Self awareness of our window of tolerance through understanding the physical and emotional biofeedback our bodies send us is essential, with this knowledge you are able to gradually widen your window of tolerance and stay longer in the optimal zone. The dream isn’t to always be calm but to have a mind body connection that is flexible, resilient and adaptable.

The Window of Tolerance

The window of tolerance is the zone of learning, joy and peace. When we are in our window of tolerance we are able to respond to physical and emotional demands effectively, we are self-regulated and what is called Safe and Social rather than responding from a place of fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

Trauma Impacts the Window of Tolerance

Our body is always prioritising safety, it wants you to feel safe. Trauma (which is unresolved stress) creates a pattern in our bodies to respond from a place of flight, fight, freeze or fawn even when the threat has past. Traumatic experiences can leave us in a state of biological dysregulation, where it can seem that social interactions feel disconnected, life purpose can feel murky and our bodily functions become impaired (thyroid, digestive and mental health illnesses as examples).

During traumatic experiences if we are not able to get away or fight back our body collapses into the freeze state, and particularly for interpersonal trauma we can depend on fawning (people pleasing) to survive complex and harmful abuse.

Hyperarousal

Hyperarousal is the body switched to on mode, it involved the activation of hormones such as adrenalin and cortisol to aid in escape or create fight energy.

We may feel this in our body as states of:

• Worry or anxiety

• Fear or panic

• Hypervigilance

• Rage

• Restlessness or decreased sleep

• Inability to focus

• Addictions, over eating or restrictions

• Outbursts, impulsive behaviour or compulsive thoughts

Hypoarousal

Hypoarousal is the biological stage after hyperarousal. It is where our body shuts off to replenish spent hormones. It is the freeze state.

• Disconnection or flatness

• Seperate from emotions

• Memory loss

• Unable to think or respond

• Depressive state, slow moments, low desire to move, increased sleep habits

• Auto pilot or disassociation

Living in your Window of Tolerance

Understanding how our body feels in our window of tolerance and outside of it helps us see the warning signs of dysregulation and take steps to come back to balance. When we know a even the slightest change of temperature, smell, sound, touch or a thought can be dysregulating and push us outside of our window of tolerace, we can appreciate our bodies rather than judging them.

There are four simple steps to understanding your window of tolerance:

1. Pay Attention to your body and the symptoms

2. Identify the symptoms your body experiences

3. Label your distress level (1 - 10)

4. Identify the cause and create new patterns

1. Pay Attention to your body and the symptoms

Our body is always detecting the stimulis in our world to check for threats, even more so when we have experienced trauma where everything felt like a threat or people who we believed where meant to keep us safe were the people harming us. Helping identify to your body to feel here and now (present moment), rather than there and then (past trauma).

2. Identify the symptoms your body experiences

Now start to check in with yourself, are you in states of hyperarousal and hypoarousal throughout the day? How often and what time of the day or events that happen bring your body into this state?

3. Label your distress level (1 - 10)

Scaling 1 - 10 (1 - being not at all and 10 - being very distressing) is a powerful tool of measuring your distress, your level of distress is unique to you. When we understand for example that dirty plates is 9 out of 10 for you but 2 out of 10 for people you live with you can start having meaningful conversations instead of invalidating fights.

4. Identify the cause and create new patterns

Writing and understanding our triggers that activate Hyper or Hypo arousal takes us closer to re-programming ourselves and creating healthier, kinder patterns. For example if dirty dishes are triggering to you because you experienced fear or abuse in childhood about dirty dished then you can start to create safety, tolerance and ‘here and now’ compassion for yourself.

Increase Your Window of Tolerance

Living within our window of tolerance is powerful way to feel like we know ourselves and make decisions from the clearest part of our minds. There are two ways to optimise this:

1. Widen Your Window of Tolerance

2. Self-Regulate

Widening your window of tolerance helps you to handle daily stress without being pushed into hyper or hypo arousal to cope.

Self-regulation helps you handle stress and return to the window of tolerance.

1. Widen Your Window of Tolerance

There are ways we can increase our window of tolerance and approach life with mental flexibility.

Practice Mindfulness

Building Awareness

• focus your attention

• identify what you are feeling

• ask yourself why do you feel that way

• question why those feelings matter

Be More Open

• let yourself feel everything, be open to both positive and negatives

• don’t push away unpleasant thoughts or emotions

• let negatives flow and pass through your mind

Be More Accepting

• accept feelings of both positive and negative experiences

• avoid judgment or censoring of your thoughts and feelings

• don’t be ashamed, embrace it instead

Be Present

• stay in the present moment and focus on what you are currently doing

• pay attention without judgment

• avoid multitasking as this is mentally draining

Increase Happiness

There are four happiness chemicals that your brain releases when you feel good. These chemicals are known as DOSE. When you are happy and have a positive experience, your window of tolerance will naturally expand.

By understanding how each of the chemicals works, you can trigger the release of one of the chemicals to improve your happiness.

Here are some examples of activities you can do:

Dopamine

• make a to-do list (each time you tick off a task you increase dopamine levels)

• create something such as writing, music, arts and crafts

• meditate

Oxytocin

• physical touch, cuddling, hugging, and even eye contact

• socializing with friends and family

• listening to music

Serotonin

• getting sunshine outdoors

• cold showers

• getting a massage

Endorphin

• laughter and crying

• eating dark chocolate or spicy foods

• creating music or art

Reduce Shame

Shame thrives in secrecy, and it can become a pattern of shame filled or defensive behaviour. Resolving shame needs openness, honesty and safe spaces for it to be held and transformed.

1. Name your shame

2. Listen to how you speak to yourself

3. Write about your shame

4. Tell someone you trust, shame evaporates in safe spaces

Build Resilience

Resilience is vital for surviving and adapting in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, or stress.

Build Connections

• prioritize relationships by connecting with those close to you

• join a group and build one-on-one relationships

Foster Wellness

• focus on all three aspects of health, (physical, mental and social)

• Avoid negative outlets (masking your pain with substance abuse)

Find Purpose

• look for opportunities for self-discovery

• take steps towards your goals (long term and short term goals)

• embrace change and be optimistic

• help others (supporting a friend, volunteering, connecting with support groups)

Overcoming hyperarousal is generally easier than compared to self-regulating when you experience hypoarousal. We need to move from hypoarousal, through hyperarousal to come back into our window of tolerance.

Self-Regulate Hyperarousal

When you experience hyperarousal symptoms you can soothe yourself with these techniques:

Release your anger (try one of these)

• close your eyes and lay down to let yourself relax and calm down

• give yourself a 10-second hug by wrapping your arms around yourself and holding tightly

• stretch your arms out in front of you to relieve that tension built up

• shake it off to relive that stress

• take a drink of water to cool yourself down and calm your nerves

Breathing exercise

• pause for a moment

• take a long and slow deep breath

• inhale with your nose and fill your lungs

• hold the breath for 3 seconds

• exhale with your mouth

• count each breath and do at least 10 deep breaths

Meditate

• being mindful and meditating go hand in hand

• helps to regulate emotions and thoughts

• relives stress by calming you down

Practice yoga

• yoga is the practice of controlling the mind and body

• improves your concentration and reduces stress

• relieves any tension built-up

Self-Regulate Hypoarousal

When you experience hypoarousal symptoms you can activate your body with these techniques:

Activate your senses (tap into your five senses)

• warm bath

• massage

• aromatic candles or scents

• music or natural sounds

• tasty food

Grounding exercises (try one of these)

• notice your feet connecting with the floor, how does it make you feel

• hold an object in your hand and really focus on it

• 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 exercise, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, open your eyes, and look around the room and acknowledge:

  • 5 things you can see

  • 4 things you can feel

  • 3 things you can hear

  • 2 things you can smell

  • 1 thing you can taste

Additional Self-Regulation Techniques

Physical activity

• any form of physical exercise you enjoy helps

Challenge your thoughts

• recognizing negative thoughts, challenge the thought and reframing them in a positive way

Write things down

• writing helps clear your thoughts and unloads all your emotions out

• clearing mental clutter gives clarity and focus

Your Window of Tolerance

Appreciate you taking the time to learn about your window of tolerance, to review:

1. Recognize your window of tolerance and build awareness of your symptoms

2. Widen your window of tolerance

3. Self-regulate when you dysregulate and experience symptoms of hyperarousal or hypoarousal

This is a life long practice, it requires constant reliable repetition to form this new habit and awareness to be able to remove the automatic responses that trauma imbeds in the brain.

If you or someone you know are suffering with the effects of trauma please reach out for support.

Why the Baby Blues surface in the happiest time of your life.

We quietly rock our soft, warm baby in the dark hours of the morning, holding in our wee and having revenge fantasies about our sleeping partner. 

It’s common and normal to feel more than sad after welcoming a new addition or additional humans to our life, even though it’s paradoxically the time when we can also feel the happiest. 

Feeling this sadness as a parent is really real, and the cause? Having so many of our deep psychological, physical and social needs going unmet.

Parenthood is hands down the only time in our lifespan when we have the demands of consistently meeting the needs of a fragile new person, while systematically having to put our own needs on pause.

As breathtakingly good as being a parent is, it also comes with the weight of expectation, a huge sense of the unknown, jittery fears rising to the surface at unexpected times, overwhelming stress and at times it can downright test your tolerance. 

All this while you have an ever-increasing mountain of unmet needs. Makes sense why it can feel really rough right?

It is possible to enjoy the bumpy road and come out the other side with a few bruises and the wisdom of resilience too.

Here are 5 tips on how:

Befriend your trauma.

Ever found it really hard to find the words around your trauma? That’s because trauma isn’t stored in the language centre of our brain, it is stored in our bodies and in our senses. And it has a knack of showing up at the most inconvenient times, like birth, breastfeeding and special occasions. The more we know about how our trauma is triggered in our bodies, the more comfort, care and clarity we can include in times where we are most vulnerable. {As a trauma aware birth doula I see first hand the power that having a voice creates after feeling silenced}.

Get out of your head and into your body.

Remember above how trauma is stored in your body. And remember how unproductive your brain was waking you up a 2am to do some serious overthinking. The best thing to do when you are consumed by thoughts? Move your body. Yoga is one of the best practices for combining breath-work, body movements and conscious relaxation. 

Boundaries keep you and me safe, together.

If we don’t say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully and that leads to more problems that if we’d said no in the first place. Boundaries keep you safe, they keep relationships healthy and are the best way to role model to young minds what is or isn’t socially acceptable. {Chose what you want and don’t want, let people know when they’ve overstepped, know that upholding the boundary is harder than setting it}.

Being listened to is being loved.

There is such tangible pain relief to freely and openly sharing your birth story, your parenting wins and struggles or your grief over all the changes you’re going though. A friend, partner, fellow parent or therapist - find one person to trust. {Learning to trust is also affected by trauma, if you have a trauma history, talking to and trying to trust the people that contributed can increase your risk of feeling unheard}. 

Let it be, let it go, let it in.

Pain shows up for us to take action to stop the source of it, sadness shows up for us to be helped, joy shows up to remind us life is so worth living. They are all valid and important, denying one doesn’t expand the others, they all belong together in the emotional human soup that you are. Whatever you can’t change right now see if you can let it be, whatever you feel you can’t hold onto any more practice letting parts of it go, whatever you need more of allow yourself to let it in.

Entering the world of parenthood can be the highlight of your whole existence. It’s also allowed to feel more than sad at times too. 

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If asking for help is the hardest thing imaginable thing for you to do, then I am your person, I get how hard it is to ask for someone to listen but I will show up for you again and again, even when you don’t feel worthy of it.

I am kindness filled counsellor, birth doula, wife and mum. I have lived experience of the life-altering challenges caused by childhood sexual abuse, physical assault and emotional trauma. I have walked the path of a successful and positive recovery to become a kind, thoughtful and dedicated therapist.