Hi, I’m Noni, a real human with a real passion for healthy human connection after trauma (post-traumatic growth!) here is what your attachment style needs to hear, don’t worry if you don’t know what your attachment style is, you will work it out as you read.
Anxious attachment after a fight feel like the world is ending and they just knew it was coming. Avoidant attachment are emotionally flooded and need space to catch their breath without being called unfeeling jerks. Disorganised attachment are on an emotional rollercoaster on the best days, often living in a state of desiring connection and being terrified of it, in fights they don’t feel safe to run to others and they don’t feel safe with themselves either.
Anxious attachment: You are a relational radar, always on and looking for signs of abandonment (that may or may not be there). You learnt to relate in this way because you had to work for unconditional love, support and understanding. Your nervous system noticed inconsistency or anxiety in your caregivers, so it rationalised, “Love sure is unreliable. I must stay in high alert and check in constantly”. In adult relationships you feel hyper-vigilant, seek reassurance, look for hidden meanings in tone and body language, try to catch out any deception but end up distrusting the person you want closeness with, and your panic button is pushed when someone needs space. Your emotional alarm goes off at any hint of ‘imperfection’ or break in the connection. This limits personal growth as you remain stuck in survival, you implode rather than invite healthy conflict, you act out of fear and heartbreakingly you repeat the cycle of abandonment that you are trying to prevent.
What you need to hear:
“I am here. I am not going anywhere. We can solve this together”
“I care about you. I know this fight feels big. I see how much you care about solving it”
“Even when I need space to think, I love and respect you”
Avoidant attachment: Emotional needs? What are they. You rarely heard someone say I love you. You weren’t invited to share your feelings, you were praised for not showing feelings or having needs. You felt you were only liked when you were quiet and good. Your nervous system learnt, “Feelings are dangerous, it’s only safe to do it alone and not get too deep or too close”. You live with unmet needs that you don’t know exist or don’t have the words for. In adult relationships you’re punished for not sharing your inner world, the place you were told not to let exist. You find it infuriating and lonely and well, pretty hopeless. You cope by having a ‘do not disturb’ sign on your heart. This limits your ability to have your needs met, you struggle to understand your inner world and you feel emotionally flooded by your partner having unmet needs or demands on you that you never got to feel and have met within yourself, you are called cold and distant when being alone was the only ‘safe’ place you’ve known. You repeat the cycle of living with unmet needs and feeling upset by other people having needs as it presses on the hurt of your own being invisible.
What you need to hear:
“Thank you for coming back to this conversation. I respect you needed a moment to pause”
“You don’t owe me a perfect emotional response, I appreciate your effort and being here”
“We don’t have to fix everything right now. Let’s find our way back when you are ready”
Disorganised attachment: A tragic mash up of anxious and avoidant, learned from environments where the people who were meant to keep you safe were also the source of your deepest fears, hurts or abuse. The nervous system can only capture unpredictable data, it says “Love, safety, danger and hate are all one. Nothing is safe or predictable, connection can only be chaos”. In adult relationships this shows up as chaos, living in constant inner conflict of wanting connection while also feeling repulsion or fear. Acceptance of poor treatment as the nervous system registers it as the familiar. Feelings around intimacy that oscillate from sexually explorative to confused to rejecting or repulsed.
What you need to hear:
“I’m not scared of your feelings. I’m not going anywhere, you can have space and closeness when you need it”
“Things feel messy, we are still a team”
“I appreciate how hard this is, we can stop or keep going”
Secure attachment: How we want to raise our children and how we want to relate as adults. It is being responsive, reliable and emotionally open with boundaries and self awareness. The nervous system lives from a place of lived experiences that says “It is safe to be you, you are easy to love, you can ask for what you need and people will be there for you”. In adult relationships this shows up mental flexibility to know that connection is still safe even when things get messy or confronting. It is the confidence to invite feedback and have hard conversations respectfully, the ability to self soothe, having ever growing skills in self reflection and accountability, apologising without justification, ability to ask for support and a clear understanding of your own needs and your capacity to meet others. Secure attachment can be learned in therapy and safe relationships, even if you have had an insecure attachment style.
Insecure attachment styles are based off relational survival. As children they work to meet base needs of shelter, food, hygiene and comfort. Do we see that they are outdated and ineffective in adult relationships, yes, yes we do. They are annoyingly wired into us, and then it is our job to unwire them.
The more you know, the more you can influence your nervous system and actively choose secure responses that then form neural pathways that give you a different relationship with yourself and others.
Is it hard, yes. It is worth it, also yes.