Attachment Styles

Hi, I'm Noni, a real human with a real passion for healthy connection after trauma (post-traumatic growth!).

Here's what your attachment style needs to hear. Don't worry if you don't know yours yet, you'll work it out as you read.

After a fight, anxious attachment feels like the world is ending. Avoidant attachment is emotionally flooded and needs space without being called cold. Disorganised attachment is on an emotional rollercoaster, desiring connection while being terrified of it—not feeling safe to run to others or stay with themselves.

Anxious attachment: You're a relational radar, always scanning for signs of abandonment (that may or may not be there). You learned this because you had to work for love and support. Your nervous system noticed inconsistency or anxiety in your caregivers and decided, "Love is unreliable. I must stay on high alert." In relationships, you seek reassurance, look for hidden meanings, distrust the person you want close, and panic when someone needs space. This keeps you stuck in survival mode, imploding rather than inviting healthy conflict, acting from fear, and heartbreakingly repeating the abandonment you're trying to prevent.

What you need to hear: "I am here. I'm not going anywhere. We can solve this together." "I care about you. I know this fight feels big. I see how much you care about solving it." "Even when I need space to think, I love and respect you."

Avoidant attachment: Emotional needs? What are they. You rarely heard "I love you." You weren't invited to share feelings—you were praised for not showing them. You felt liked only when you were quiet and good. Your nervous system learned, "Feelings are dangerous. It's only safe to do it alone." In relationships, you're punished for not sharing your inner world, the place you were told shouldn't exist. It's infuriating, lonely, and hopeless. You cope with a "do not disturb" sign on your heart. This means your needs go unmet, you're emotionally flooded by your partner's demands, you're called cold when being alone was the only safe place you've known. You repeat the cycle of invisible needs and feeling upset when others have them.

What you need to hear: "Thank you for coming back to this conversation. I respect you needed a moment." "You don't owe me a perfect emotional response. I appreciate your effort." "We don't have to fix everything right now. Let's find our way back when you're ready."

Disorganised attachment: A tragic mix of anxious and avoidant, learned when the people meant to keep you safe were also the source of your deepest fears or abuse. Your nervous system says, "Love, safety, danger, and hate are all one. Nothing is safe or predictable." In relationships, this shows up as chaos—wanting connection while feeling repulsion or fear. Accepting poor treatment because it's familiar. Feelings around intimacy that swing from explorative to confused to rejecting.

What you need to hear: "I'm not scared of your feelings. I'm not going anywhere. You can have space and closeness when you need it." "Things feel messy. We're still a team." "I appreciate how hard this is. We can stop or keep going."

Secure attachment: How we want to raise our children and relate as adults. Responsive, reliable, emotionally open with boundaries and self-awareness. The nervous system says, "It's safe to be you. You're easy to love. You can ask for what you need." In relationships, this is mental flexibility to know connection is still safe when things get messy. The confidence for hard conversations, self-soothing, accountability, apologising without justification, asking for support, and understanding your needs and capacity. Secure attachment can be learned in therapy and safe relationships, even with an insecure history.

Insecure attachment styles are relational survival strategies from childhood. They worked then for basic needs; shelter, food, comfort. In adult relationships? Outdated and ineffective. Annoyingly wired in, yes. Our job? Unwire them.

The more you know, the more you can influence your nervous system and actively choose secure responses that form new neural pathways, giving you a different relationship with yourself and others.

Is it hard? Yes. Worth it? Also yes.

Ready to start rewiring? Book a session and let's work on building the secure attachment you deserve.